GRAND PRAIRIE, Alberta – A Grovedale-area man who recently tested positive for COVID-19 decided to fight his COVID using COVID. The 61-year-old retired geologist, who is thoroughly exhausted with this protracted pandemic that led to his early retirement, figured how better to kill the coronavirus than with the coronavirus? Phillip Derksheimer spoke to 2P News’ Yu Mii this morning.
“Those F*#cking little bastards are gonna die, and I’m gonna show them the meaning of irony. Dem l’il sum bitches are alive, right, so they probably have lungs and breathe, right? Well then, if those little muthaF$@kers get COVID, then maybe they won’t be able to breathe and they will die off. At least that’s what I predict should happen.” – Phillip Derksheimer, P.GEO. (Ret)
According to reports from his family, friends, and footage from CCTV systems around Grand Prairie, after being diagnosed with COVID-19, Mr. Derksheimer was seen trying many methods fight his illness including:
- Consuming copious volumes of alcoholic spirits.
- Bathing in bleach.
- Training parasitic hookworms to eat the COVID virus rather than human flesh.
- Ingesting useless medications like Ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine.
- Baying at the full moon.
- Hypnotizing himself into believing that his lungs do not need oxygen.
For those of unfamiliar with geologists, they are not the brightest people out there on the best of days. But infect one with COVID-19 and irrational thinking is taken to unprecedented levels. In fact, it wasn’t very long ago that geoscientists were banned from all social media platforms on an international scale.
He has written to every pharmaceutical company and research lab he could find an address for to ask them to invent a special mini-COVID that could cover the regular COVID’s mouths and suffocate them. When asked by Yu Mii if he has received any responses, he said, “Not a word. Them guys are afraid I’ll demand some kind of royalty for anything they invent based on my idea. But I’ll be watching and I’ve already got a lawyer lined up.”
At this point in the interview Mr. Derksheimer collapsed and was transported by ambulance to the nearest Emergency Room. Despite his overwhelming stupidity, we wish him well.