FT. MCMURRAY, Alberta – A 112 metric ton Caterpillar D11N bulldozer was working in the bottom of a Mooncor tar sand pit when it suddenly broke through the roof of a cavern that has since proved to be a gateway to Hell. Luckily, the operator was able to leap from the machine before it totally disappeared. When company officials arrived on location to investigate, they found that no one could approach the cavern because the hole was now guarded by dozens of demons. The site foreman surmised that this was a situation far above his paygrade and summoned company executives.
Using a bullhorn, the foreman asked to demons to get their boss to speak to company officials. After several hours, Satan himself appeared and demanded to confront whoever was in charge. He was quite upset with the disturbance of his realm. To his credit, the foreman suggested that perhaps a deal could be struck that would make up for the disturbance. Satan was way behind and in a bind and willing to make a deal. [See Charlie Daniels’ The Devil Went Down to Georgia.]
Mr. Thaddeus Cornholt, president of Mooncor, immediately saw an amazing business opportunity. If the intense heat emanating from Hell could be harnessed to upgrade bitumen, the huge expense of burning natural gas could be eliminated. Furthermore, by reducing carbon dioxide emissions, the company scores points with the environmentalists. As a bonus, any flue gas or byproducts from the bitumen plant can be piped directly into Hell to add to the misery of condemned souls, further reducing surface emissions.
Satan already owns the souls of most politicians and bureaucrats, so Mr. Cornholt has little leverage to get the necessary permits without direct intervention by Satan with the bureaucracy. This has yet to be worked out, but Mr. Cornholt is optimistic.
Mr. Cornholt said, “I have to say, negotiating with Satan was scary as the devil. I mean, he has thousands of years of experience in writing contracts with hidden loopholes that are totally in his favor. I specifically put in a clause that the deal does not automatically condemn me to Hell. However, five vice presidents will be. This is not as bad as it sounds because they were all going to Hell anyway.”