CALGARY, Alberta – A Calgary businessman, Mr. Bud Clydesdale, has opened the world’s first race track designed for moose. At a press conference he explained, “I’ve been involved with quarter horse and thoroughbred horse racing my entire life. But now, there’s just too much competition among breeders and it has become almost exclusively a rich man’s game. I decided I had to bring racing back down to the common people. What’s more common to a Canadian than a moose?”
He went on to explain his concept of moose racing. “To participate is simple as can be. First, catch a bull moose. Tranquilize it long enough to put a saddle on it. While it’s still groggy, move it to the starting gate. The jockey can be just about anybody with a death wish and no brains. And the jockey doesn’t have to be a small person. Hell, a bull moose can carry a 100 kilo man or woman with no strain. We decided from the beginning that there will be no gender bias in moose racing. There are plenty of morons of all genders and non-genders.”
He went on to say, “Moose racing combines the thrill of horse racing and rodeo bull riding with the carnage of a demolition derby. The race track has some unique design features. The side rails are not just some flimsy wooden posts but rather a high, heavy steel barrier. This is to prevent the moose from veering or jumping off the track. The gigantic animals are more than capable of crashing through most barriers. To get them out of the starting gate, each jockey is supplied with a cattle prod.” It will require some skill and judicious use of the prod to keep the moose running in a more-or-less straight line. The most skill will come into play when the jockey attempts to dismount and escape without being stomped to death.
Jockeys who survive the entire season will be awarded a year’s supply of Moosepeace Beer. Monsieur Pierre Francaise-Allemagne, CEO of Moosepeace, immediately signed on as a sponsor and made this commitment. He said, “Zut alors! At last there is a recognition of Le Moose as the magnificent beast that he is! I have already purchased season tickets to Clydesdale’s race track. I can see this event spreading all over Canada!”