This is what's in your rear-view mirror

BREA, California – I’ve been alive for a long time (but certainly not 134 years as has been alleged) and have made or heard a number of random observations that I have decided to share with readers of 2P News.  If you don’t understand some of them, give it time.  You will.  (What is really going on is that I couldn’t think of anything actually entertaining to write for today’s entry.)

Tricks that Mother Nature plays on old men:

The hair growing out of your ears and nose is unkillable.

Where in hell do those funny smells come from?

A lump of greasy food will always land on the front of your shirt and leave a spot.

Urine doesn’t always go where you aim.

Various sphincter muscles become petulant.

Things turn icky, sticky and stinky.

You have to lean against something when putting on underwear; otherwise, you fall over.

Perceptions change and not for the better.

You wake up in the morning and think, “Damn, I woke up!”

You’re masticating some food and bite down on something hard and it’s a piece of a tooth.

You’re still able to invent new stupid things to do to get you in trouble.  After all these years.

The realities of highway travel:

Wherever you’re going, it’s into the sun.

Emergencies usually happen when your petrol tank is at or near empty.

You’ll hit the biggest bump while drinking something.

The most interesting sights are on the other side of the vehicle.

All spills land in your crotch.

Trying to take off your jacket with your seatbelt on after the interior of your vehicle finally warms up usually causes a cramp.

The number of trucks hauling avocados is 6.02 x 1023 (Think back to your chemistry course.)

Things I learned or realized about vehicles while on the road:

Half the pickup trucks in rural Texas are towing a flatbed trailer and it’s usually empty.

The pickups are either white or dark gray.

The bigger the grill on the pickup the closer they tailgate you.

Security is a full tank of petrol.

The number of 18-wheelers on the motorway expands to fill available lanes.

On a long trip it’s better to refuel at truck stops.  They have much bigger, cleaner loos.

The truckers need to get together and agree on a single speed that they all drive at.  The way they pass each other with a ΔV of <0.1 KPH and block all lanes is maddening.

Random questions and thoughts to ponder:

Why were the Three Musketeers called musketeers when all they did was swordfight?

How hungry do you have to be to eat snails or stewed okra?

Do you ever find yourself getting impatient in the kitchen, thinking that the microwave is too damned slow?

I’m sure you didn’t know that Boris Badenov’s overcoat was made by Hart, Shaffner & Karl Marx.

Why do grossly obese women bother with make-up?  Why do grossly obese men (especially the hairy ones) wear shorts and those “muscle” shirts?

I’ve learned a lot of things.  Trouble is, hardly any of them are worth knowing.

Are there any better smells than frying bacon and baking bread?  Freshly printed $100 bills?

Why do the heavy items in a sack of groceries always shift to crush the potato chips?

Meaningless meanderings:

Hot as hell.  Cold as hell.  Which is it?

San is masculine.  Santa is feminine.  So why is Santa Claus a man?

Why do creditors want you to write the account number on the cheque?  Is their accounting that bad?

Want to live longer?  Go on a strict diet.  Every day will seem to last an eternity.

People used to discuss politics.  Now it’s just a shouting match.

Do you still try to avoid stepping on a crack?  What if your mother is deceased?

For a coin toss, I understand “heads”, but what about “tails”?  Shouldn’t it be “feet”?

“Erewhon” is supposed to be “nowhere” spelled backwards.  It isn’t.

Why are people from the Philippines called Filipinos and not Philippinos?

Why is it that so few people now know the difference between Your and You’re?  Affect and Effect?  Between and Among?  To, Too and Two?  Stanch and Staunch?  There, Their and They’re?

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Sir William Shortspeare
Sir William Shortspeare, hereditary lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, has over fifty years’ experience at being a devout prig. Staying one step ahead of the nancy boys at Clovenhoof College, he graduated with a degree in Nothing Special. Thus eminently qualified, he joined British Petroleum and was immediately posted to Houston. After enduring one summer of Texas heat, he spent the remainder of his career demanding a transfer. Now retired, he casts a jaundiced eye on the world from Southern California and reports his findings to 2P News.


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