CALGARY, Alberta – In these troubled times, many young geologists are experiencing restless nights, worrying about the world, their health and their jobs. Here are a few fables to put their minds at ease and allow the touch of Morpheus to once again grace their minds.
Once upon a time there were dinosaurs all over the earth but they were big and stupid so God killed them all and turned them into oil. Now, geologists look for where God buried the dinosaurs. They’re almost always wrong about the locations because God loves to play jokes and has planted all kinds of false leads. This is why people like engineers think geologists are the new dinosaurs, smaller but still stupid.
Once upon a time there were three little pigs in Calgary who decided to get into the oil & gas business. The first little pig said, “I’m going to make my company out of straw because it’s easy to find, tie into bundles and pile up.” The second little pig said, “I’m going to make my company out of wood because Canada is full of trees and nobody cares about deforestation.” The third little pig said, “I’m going to make my company out of bricks because the girl I want to hire as my secretary is built like a brick shithouse.” It turns out the construction material didn’t matter because The Big Bad Trudeau came along and huffed and puffed and taxed and regulated their companies right out of existence.
Once upon a time the Engineer decided to get even with all the geologists who were making his life miserable. So he went to see the Wicked Wizard of Cupertino and bought a poisoned Apple. He left the Apple out in the geologists’ bullpen and waited to see the geologists take a byte and die. However, the geologists couldn’t figure out how to plug in the Apple or even turn it on and the Engineer’s plan failed. He was so angry his head exploded, which registered on several seismographs. The geophysicists were delighted because engineers are much less expensive than dynamite. The geologists laughed and laughed.
Once upon a time there was a landman who didn’t hate geologists. Nah, nobody’s going to believe that in a million years.
Once upon a time there was a geologist who made an economic oil discovery. The other geologists were so jealous that they started hiding his crayons. He cried and cried and said that it wasn’t his fault because the drilling location was the result of a booger that fell out of his nose while he was napping over a map. Much to his relief, this explanation was accepted and he got his crayons back. He was so happy he cried and cried, the little wuss.
Once upon a time a foolish oil company CEO decided to take a chance and invited a geologist to the executive dining room. Needless to say this was a disaster. The geologist had no idea how to use eating utensils or napkins or drink from a glass and he made a huge mess. And to this very day no other geologist has ever been invited to an executive dining room.
Once upon a time there was a man who had university degrees in both geology and petroleum engineering. The geologists scorned him because they thought he was an engineer and the engineers ignored him because they thought he was a geologist. This made him very sad and he decided to do something about it. He said to hell with it all and started growing pot in a redwood forest in Northern California. He lived happily ever after.
So there you have it. If you have children who like to collect stones and dig up your backyard, reading these stories to them should have them come to their senses and steer clear of the geosciences.