LAKETON, New Brunswick – Fredericton RCMP reported earlier today that 2 people were rushed to area hospitals with serious injuries and 37 more sustained minor injuries after a group of more than 100 protesters rushed a barricade, tripped, and fell over one another.  Many were trampled after the unlucky fall and police were flabbergasted.  Among the group were many of Candians First nations, alongside various activists from Green Peace, The Sierra Club, and PITA.

A British rent-a-cop applying the patented Ear-Twister stun move on an unruly protester. Passersby quoted the man yelling, “Quit frickin’ frackin’ my ear, man!”

The chief of the Elsipogtog First Nation says the fight to halt shale gas exploration in New Brunswick will go on despite a court ruling Monday rejecting his request for an injunction to stop seismic testing.  Despite the injunction, anti fracking protesters were out in the largest numbers yet at the Legislature, but this time law enforcement was prepared with riot gear and purpose-built security barricades to keep the crowds under control.

One of the primary planners of this protest, The Big Chief, would not comment on the accident or what it would mean for future protests.

“They simply rushed us, and fell over.  These idiots were just that, idiots.  They were so ready to start a fight over this, that they ran out on their loafers and high heels, full tilt.  Next thing we knew, one woman went down, then a guy fell over her, then 4 more, then the whole damn crowd went down like dominos in an earthquake.” – Sgt. Marwank, RCMP

With many of the injured still screaming about fracking as they were picked up off the pavement by paramedics, the effect was not lost on them.  All the while, a medium-sized contingent of oil executives and policy makers sat in the adjacent conference room, laughing at the mayhem outdoors.

VP laughing
Gary Colenam, VP

“Do they really think this kind of display gets them anywhere?  These people think if they yell loud enough and get on TV they can stop progress, but guess what?  Looks like these ones need to sharpen up before that happens!

Those anti-fracking types came here to protest fracking and they fracked the gosh darn barricade and get hurt. What a show. Hahaha.” Gary Colenam, VP of Completions with Cheaterson Energy

Green Peace refused to comment on its responsibility for the injuries, as they claim it was not an official Green Peace organized event, since there were no high-wire displays of people scaling sky scrapers or its eco-pirates jumping on oil rigs.

Police are attempting to lay charges against on man who appears to have pushed people into the fray, but are having trouble locating him for questioning.  Our guess?  Find the oil and gas worker laughing the hardest in the nearest pub.


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