HARDISTY, Alberta – With the 2014 Oilympics off to a great start, excitement is growing across the western provinces as competition rages in this small Alberta venue. Monday’s events were a huge success, and the thrills will continue throughout the week. Monday morning’s Landman Grab event was a nail biter before it got started. A fight broke out between Team Bendovus and Team Cheaterson at breakfast, which then escalated into an all out brawl just before the event. Once the Commissionaires restored the peace, the event was clocked and began a few minutes late to the scheduled time.
They were beating the shit out of each other. Yelling things about deals and stealing, and whores. It was pretty bad. We got them separated and put back in their pens. After that the event went smoothly aside from the one naked guy. I’m not sure what that was about, but rumour has it he was a excessively drunk geologist. – Nel Jones, G6X Security
Horsefly Energy’s team was quick out of the gate, and managed to secure 4 mineral leases before the nimble team from Nil Resources out paced them for a silver. In a surprise turn of events the 3-person team fielded by Best West Energy snagged the gold by stealing mineral leases from the opposing team’s dugouts, which by pure mistake was not outlined as a rule while the games were being planned. It was later discovered that Best West Energy’s team also snagged (and quickly consumed) 3 or 4 two-sixes of bourbon from those dugouts, for which the team was penalized 15 points.
The Coyote Biathalon, taking place yesterday afternoon, was probably the most anticipated event of this year’s games. The event was held over 3 sections of land, and competitors were each issued 10 tags for their Coyotes. A combination of ATV riding, shooting, and beer drinking, it was an event to behold.
The gold medal was awarded to an operator from Arkwerth Resources, who managed to drink his 12 beer before even mounting his ATV. As he was now fully limber, the 12 mile ATV course was not a challenge to navigate in spite of a roll over near the Anderson family’s grain bins. He managed to use only one round for each of his 10 coyotes, which were fiesty targets even when chained to a stake. The runner up silver medalist was Shiela Gulkim, from the accounting department at Slidefar Energy. With a slower time, but a more paced drinking-to-driving ratio, she managed to score only 2 points below gold. Bronze was awarded to Ian Jergonsen, an independent directional drilling consultant. With all the money he had into his ATV and his rifle, the bronze was surely a let down.
I’m a little disappointed with my ranking. I spent far more money and time choosing and tuning my equipment. I’m not sure but I think the judges were supposed to rate my perfomance inclusive of my cool stuff. I’ll try again next year, but I’m not sure if it will help out here in this hick town. My money is obviously not appreciated here. – Ian Jergonsen
In a bit of a funny side story, a retired geologist from Hasbeen LLC turned the slowest time and nearly did not finish the event. He began shooting his beer and trying to cuddle a coyote, totally forgetting about his ATV near the starting line. He was hauled off by paramedics and police when the event venue closed for the evening.
Stay tuned for Wednesday’s events, the Tool Toss and the Polar Rig Move Relay.
And in other news:
- Reservoir engineer pees pants, not satisfied with sweep, pees pants a second time when sober