Square root sign? We at 2P News believe the birthmark bears no resemblance to anything mathematical

CALGARY, Alberta – In a story straight from the kooky files, a senior technical sales engineer with Poukete Energy Services believes that his son will be a mathematical/engineering prodigy the likes of which the world has never seen because he was born with a square root sign birthmark. Yes, you heard it here first, folks, a birthmark that he believes resembles a square root sign.

Mr. Bernoulli, P.Eng.

This is incredible. My son, MY SON, has a birthmark that looks exactly like a (wait for it… wait for it…) square root sign! I’m an engineer, and I sure love me some math – so what if I’m socially inept. This birthmark must be a sign that my little Archimedes is going to be great, a mathematical wizard, and if my wife’s personality rubs off on him, he might even get laid when he gets older!


The diagram that Mr. Bernoulli plans to use to teach his newborn the Archimedes Principle

According to an interview that 2P News reporter Yu Mii had with his wife, Mr. Bernoulli hopes that Archimedes takes playing with his bath toys to the next level and independently discovers that his rubber ducky, once immersed in his bath water, is buoyed up by a force equal to the weight of the fluid displayed by the duck.

“If Archie doesn’t want to do this on his own, I will be sure to teach him the fundamentals of fluid dynamics myself. He must learn,” continues the proud father. And Mr. Bernoulli has already started an RESP in hopes that his son can attend the prestigious pre-engineering program at the Collegiate for Understanding New Technology.

However, in order to confirm his dreams, Mr. Bernoulli brought 3-week old Archimedes to Michael Whitedove of the Discount Psychic Network for a parapsychological assessment, but the news he received was much to his chagrin and disbelief. Mr. Whitedove comments,

Mr. Whitedove, P.Geo., P.Psychic

Without any prior knowledge of Mr. Bernoulli or his son, I put my psychic powers to work and I could see his son, in his early childhood not liking to play in the bath, but rather having a penchant for playing in sandboxes and really liking to dig. I could see him being fascinated with sand, and how water moves through the sand. In his early teens, he will have no interest in mathematics, but have an affinity for collecting and analyzing rocks, even putting them in his mouth, and always wanting to go on field trips in the Drumheller area.

I concluded to Mr. Bernoulli that Archimedes would likely become a geologist, and that’s when he stormed out of my office mumbling that he plans to give up that useless Archimedes up for adoption.

After broaching the subject with his wife of possibly giving up Archimedes for adoption, Mr. Bernoulli, under direction from his wife’s lawyer, was forced to partake in family counselling. It was in these counselling sessions that he met Ron Skantch, an engineer who is going through therapy for a very similar family issue after learning that his daughter, age 7, was interested in rocks.


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