EDMONTON, Alberta – Thomas Lukaszuk’s bid for Tory leadership will be an uphill battle in the wake of Redford’s messy retreat. Being the wing-man for such a train wreck of a political leader will definitely impede his dreams of becoming a party leader.
Thomas Lukaszuk has a plan, however, and it involves several campaign promises he hopes will sway the party, and eventually voters, to his side of the fence.
2P News received a short list of his campaign promises and would like to share the highlights. They are interesting to say the least.
If elected to lead the Progressive Conservative party of Alberta, Mr. Lukaszuk has made the following campaign promises:
- Widen Deerfoot Trail in Calgary to 16 lanes, 8 northbound and 8 southbound. This will ease traffic concerns in Calgary considerably. The province will also be annexing 1/2 a mile of land on either side for beautification purposes.
- Improve Alberta’s international reputation by holding an annual, province-wide mega-party on a newly formed Alberta Long Weekend, on par with Mardi Gras and Carnivale – in November.
- Create legislation that all future oil sands mining and development be contained underground. This way the rest of the world can no longer see it and complain.
- Make mobile home living more popular by converting Prince’s Island Park, Nose Hill Park, Baker Park, and Fish Creek Park into mobile home areas and regulating rental fees to accommodate lower income families.
Initiating a Cots for the Homeless program, where hammock style beds can be hung under pedestrian bridges over rivers in Calgary and Edmonton, giving the homeless a comfortable place to sleep with soothing aquatic sounds to put them at ease.
- Make all future underground pipelines clear, so no one can see them and complain. (EDITOR’S NOTE: I really think he believes in this one!)
- Mr. Lukaszuk promises not to take Redford’s teenage daughter on luxurious work vacations like Alison did.
- Make travel from Ft McMurray to Edmonton safer and faster, by eliminating the highway all together? (not sure Thomas, but this could be tricky)
- Ensure that teachers in Alberta get a 10% raise over the next 4 years. The raise will be paid for by having teachers hold volunteer bake sales and car washes all summer to raise the money.
- Improve the quality of care at Alberta health care facilities by hiring foreign doctors and nurses away from Tim Horton and McDonald’s. He is confident that with the surplus of foreign workers now in limbo, he can get them citizenship in exchange for lower salaries and smaller benefits packages.
- Mitigate all floods and disasters in Alberta by having the CEO of Bendovus call God again and say enough is enough, call it a personal favour.
Although we here at 2P News believe that it will be difficult for this fourth man to win a 3-person race, we wish him all the best.