EDMONTON, Alberta – In a business partnership not yet seen in the oil and gas industry, two energy giants are teaming up for a multi-billion dollar project to pave every road in northern Alberta.  The project is scheduled to start in early 2015, with completion expected in late 2021.  Billed as a plan to bring jobs and skilled workers to Alberta, it has been a mainstay of Bendovus Energy’s current accountability program since their bad publicity with the Beau in 2013.

Wally Revorat, pleased with the plan
Wally Revorat, pleased with the plan

A partnership with Cheaterson was inevitable.  When the two largest, most effective, smartest, and elite companies in the world put their heads together there is nothing that cannot be done.  We will pave every goat trail and grid road between Edmonton and the NWT border.  Mark my words!  Rollerblades for everyone! – Wally Revorat, VP Paving & Ashphalt Division, Bendovus

The project will create an estimated 15,000 jobs for Albertans, and require the use of several billion barrels of crude oil to create the paving compounds.  While Cheaterson and Bendovus are major producers in Alberta with much to gain from the sale of crude, many smaller operators are also set to benefit from the project.

We have a contract to provide the raw components for 1500 km of double lane highways northeast of Westlock, Alberta.  We actually have to increase our production to meet the supply quotas.  This is a big deal for Smollweany Exploration.  And we’ve earned it! – Dyck Smoll, CEO Smollweany Exploration

Opposition to the plan comes mostly from the usual suspects.  Greanpiece and The Sienna Club have attempted to arrange protests in rural areas, but are being met with little success.  Apparently, hockey in rural communities is vastly popular and the paved roads would allow the players to play more roller hockey in the off season.  Not to mention the latest craze involving Razor kick scooters.  One spokesman from The Coalition of People With Not Much To Do, Randy Hoiklinker, repeatedly told 2P News reporter Ms. Redbush what he really thought.

Randy Hoiklinker, riding his bike to a nudist bake sale
Randy Hoiklinker, riding his bike to a nudist bake sale

This is ludacris!  We should be planting trees and just enjoying the grass man.  Why do we need to pave paradise and put up a parking lot?  Roads ruin the world man.  They connect things that Mother Nature never meant to be connected, like dogs and squirrels.  Thats just weird man, really weird.  We need to stop this madness before it goes too far.  What happens when flocks of Moose hurt their feet on those roads man?  You gonna buy them shoes?  And where do you get Moose shoes anyway?  China?

Although the deal has yet to be approved by the Province of Alberta and its regulatory bodies, planning experts say that inking the approval is expected to a mere formality. Why? Because the project will create jobs and wealth in the fine province of Alberta, and that’s just what the doctor ordered for the beleaguered Progressive Conservatives.


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