WASHINGTON, DC – In a political deke of unprecedented levels, Barack Hussein Obama announced yesterday that upon completion of his second and final term as president of the United States of America, he will move to Ottawa and run for president of Canada.
At the White House Press Room he explained, “I love the perks of being president, but the stress is a bitch. I figure that running little ol’ Canada would be an easy gig after eight years of this one.”
Bob McKenzie of the Edmonton Sled Dog Review ventured a guess that Mr. Obama would have to become a Canadian citizen. To which Mr. Obama replied,
Hell, I’m not even a U. S. citizen, so… so I don’t think… I don’t think that will be a problem. Besides, I’ll make sure there are lots of pictures of me guzzling a Moosepeace Beer and I’ll sign up for some Saturday afternoon shinny hockey.
But, you wouldn’t vote against me simply because I’m black, would you? That would be racist. I knew it; you’re a racist!
Now you have to prove that you’re not a racist by voting for me. – Barack Obama, speaking outside of a DC White Castle restaurant
When asked what his political agenda for Canada would be, he said,
Mainly I want to get rid of that extra ‘u’ that Canadians like to stick in words like ‘labour’ and ‘colour’. What… I ask you… my fellow Americans, is the deal with that? The money saved in ink alone would pay for a new Airbus A-380 to fly me to Hawaii for my semi-annual six-month vacation. That Boeing 747 I’ve got now… is just… is just too damn small.
When told that there is no such office as president of Canada, Mr. Obama responded, “You’re kidding! Then who’s the Head Canuck in Charge?”
It was explained to Mr. Obama that Canada has a parliamentary government with a Prime Minister as chief executive, similar to the UK. He then continued,
Now I know you’re pulling my leg. Davey Cameron is president of the United Klingons, not prime minister. Quit being a jive-time turkey.
Mr. Obama was then assured that Mr. Cameron is indeed prime minister and furthermore the proper name of the country is the United Kingdom, to which he exclaimed, “Goddamn Hillary, she told me it was ‘United Klingons’.”
Political pundits in Ottawa, initially skeptical of Mr. Obama’s chances, but with his ongoing displays of massive cluelessness regarding all things Canadian, concluded that he would be perfect as Prime Minister.