WEYBURN, Saskatchewan – Calgary-based Bendovus Energy announced today that it has committed to co-sponsoring the annual Western Canada Oil and Gas Talent Show and Beer Fest. Bendovus joins Moosepeace Beer as the major sponsors of the long-running event in Siphon, Saskatchewan. This year, proceeds will benefit homeless narwhales and walruses. Among this year’s winners were:
- Mort U. Airy, a geophysicist with Viskiss Oil Company, nearly won the Superpowers category with his ability to belch and fart simultaneously. However, he narrowly lost out to Gimmy A. Kickback, a facilities engineer with Cheaterson Energy, who solved quadratic equations on an abacus using only his tongue.
- Maya Biggins of Chestnut Exploration won the Best in Show Award by flashing the judges and proving that there is at least one female petroleum engineer in Canada who has discernible breasts. To collect her prize, though, she had to furnish a physician’s certificate that she has not received implants or estrogen therapy.
I. P. Freely, a retired HR director with Dribbler Fluids, won the Bull Elephant Bladder contest by drinking sixteen 12-oz Moosepeace beers without having to urinate. Later, however, he was disqualified when it was discovered that he was catheterized with a hose running down his leg and through his sock and shoe. He positioned himself over a storm sewer grating and stealthily relieved his bladder whenever he had to go.
- Hooda Thunkit, a landman with Bupkis Petroleum, won the Impossible Dream Award by walking and chewing gum at the same time. This feat will be listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as an event previously thought possible only in humans with a measurable IQ. A reporter with the Skagway SkandalMonger tried to interview Mr. Thunkit but he had just swallowed his chewing gum and was choking. Oddly, no one made an effort to help.
- Max Avarice, Chief Executive Officer of TexxonMogul, won the Malevolent Management Award by firing an employee who was two weeks away from being eligible for a pension, eliminating sick leave for employees below the rank of vice-president and sponsoring a baby seal hunt. This is the fifth year in a row that Mr. Avarice has won and the show’s directors may retire the trophy.
After expenses, the show cleared CAD$42.00, making this the most successful one in recent history. All of the participants said it was the best show ever and would return next year. Except, of course, Mr. Thunkit. Funeral arrangements are pending.