CALGARY, Alberta – In a move that has shocked its competitors and the general public alike, the Starbucks Corporation has opened an express Starbucks kiosk in one of its flagship full-service Starbucks stores in downtown Calgary’s busy +15 network of tunnels and sky walks.

Kasey Pissinyacup

“We had identified a split demographic of Starbucks clientele with 2 significantly different needs. The first demographic tends to visit this location to order goods and then sit down to chat or hang around, to which the full-service part of the location caters. The second group of people are typically in a rush and are in and out in a jiff.

Members of the latter group prefer to walk up to the express Starbucks kiosk within the Starbucks store, grab their stuff and run. So what we have here is really a win-win-win.” – Kasey Pissinyacup, Starbucks regional manager

In an interesting legal partnership between the Starbucks kiosk and its encompassing Starbucks location, the latter is owned by the Starbucks Corporation, but the Starbucks kiosk is a licensed Starbucks outlet, licensed to the full-service Starbucks location that houses it.

So although the 2 entities are related, they are technically independent which means that they may hire separate staff, operate different hours, and have separate supply chains.

cry-woman-1“I don’t understand what’s going on here. I am in a rush for a 6:30am teleconference with international clients, so I just want to whip through the kiosk and run… but even though I can see through the window that the express kiosk is open, the full-service store does not open until 7am. What am I to do now? WHAT THE HELL AM I TO DO NOW?!!”

Another Starbucks patron who does not support the new arrangement was disappointed to learn that he was asked to leave a table in the full-service Starbucks after purchasing a coffee and snack from the Starbucks kiosk.

Gary Tallman, angry Starbucks patron

“All I want to do is sit down to enjoy the tall blonde and lemon cranberry scone that I just bought from this place and you’re hauling me out? Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, security man?!  What?! I should have bought it from the full-service counter? Whatchu talkin’ ’bout? Look at these lips, does it look like I’m joking?”

In light of numerous complaints filed against the general managers of the Starbucks kiosk and the full-service Starbucks, the Starbucks Corporation is reconsidering the idea of expanding this Starbucks in a Starbucks concept throughout western Canada.

The general manager of a nearby Devil Coffee Roasters was reached for comment, but his response was largely incoherent due to his uncontrollable laughter.

Carl Molsen, Manager of Devil Coffee Roasters

What a hahaha…  Gong-show,… hahahaha… You gotta be kiddin’ me, right? Bwahahaha,… what a bunch of IDIOTS… BWAHAHAHA!







Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here