HOUSTON, Texas – In a very rare appearance on short notice at the Alamo Plaza in San Antonio, Texas, Crude Oil took the microphone to tell the North American oil and gas industry to, “Suck it!” He went on to claim that the Peak Oil Theory was indeed a conspiracy of his design, and according to the global economic outlook that he’s been monitoring closely over the past 18 or so months, “payback is going to be a bitch, y’all!”

The media descended on the scene immediately to record and televise the ongoings live, which drew significantly greater viewers than the Republican Presidential Debate that it pre-empted.

Based on Crude Oil’s smug appearance, dressed in all black, rolling into the plaza in a blacked out Porsche 918 Spyder, it was clear that he had something to prove and an important message to get across.

Crude Oil – File photo.

“I can’t believe that this is happening… all over again. Goodness, people, do I have to leak millions of barrels into the Gulf coast a 9th time for you idiots to understand basic supply and demand? You don’t need to hold a Ph.D. in economics (**ahem** although I do), to understand that most basic principle. Remember when Natural Gas was selling for 9 or so dollars per MMBtu with a nicely balanced supply and demand? Remember that? What did you guys do? You and Canada got so damn greedy that you drilled, drilled, and drilled some more creating a supply imbalance that sunk my cousin’s worth to peanuts. Idiots. I thought you would have learned your lesson from her, but you didn’t. Now it’s my turn, and it’s gonna be fugly.” – Crude Oil

Crude Oil went on to say how ashamed he was learning of how the North American population is being dumbed down at astonishing rates by spending countless hours watching nonsense reality TV that focuses on top models, dancing stars, fashion faux pas, “real” housewives, and swamp people.

He feels that if reality TV going to focus on something, it should be on government overspending, personal dependency, radical Islamists, and the general decline of morality, for it is these issues that are very real. He continued by criticizing the inevitable and perpetual popularity contests known as Facebook and Twitter.

Crude Oil’s great aunt, Mother Nature, who took the stage for a few minutes, also chimed in.

Mother Nature, standing outside of a downtown Toronto Freshii

“You know, had I seen some progress in North America over the decades, especially on the social side, Crude Oil and I would have ensured that the oil and gas industry would have hummed along in a happy place. But considering the environmental impact that I’ve suffered at your hands, the greed, the oversized this, oversized that, fancy cars, and affluenza that has regrettably infected so many of you, we just had to teach you a lesson again.” – Mother Nature

According to a report released this morning, Mother Nature and Crude Oil together decided years ago to unlock oil from tighter shale formations in the US to see if the US would access them at a pace that would keep supply and demand balanced yielding a per barrel price of $80 to $85, or to see if they would get greedy and over-drill these resource plays to the point that the price would be driven down to sub $40.

Although Mother Nature, Crude Oil, and Natural Gas (who had teleconferenced in because she was too busy in the Pennsylvania area of the US), refused to take any questions, Mother Nature went on to say that, “It is interesting, and quite frankly very sad, that for the first time in recorded history, the North American oil and gas industry has surpassed the environmental sector as its own worst enemy.”


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