EDMONTON, Alberta – Following her success in shutting down the oil sand extraction facilities in Ft. McMurray (see 2P News July 13, 2015), Alberta Premier Wretched Nutley announced new legislation that will force the remaining conventional oil and gas industry to vacate the province.
Among the measures she is proposing:
Oil and gas companies must carry zombie apocalypse insurance in the amount of $5 trillion.
Blowouts and spills must have three months advance notice.
Possession of more than 5 litres of gasoline will be a misdemeanor and more than 50 litres will constitute a felony.
The habitat of moose, squirrels, beavers, spiders, insects and bacteria will be declared off limits to seismic surveys, drilling and hydrocarbon production.
When asked if these measures would result in the complete shut-down of private automobile transportation, Premier Nutley responded, “So what? I ride my tricycle to work and there’s no reason others can’t follow my example.” Catching her in an egregious case of outright lying, 2P News reports that Nutley actually has a chauffeur-powered two-seat bicycle.
However, some legislators have expressed concern over the loss of tax revenue, but the NDP claims that reduced costs will balance the lost revenue. According to Nutley and her cabinet, cost savings include:
With no roughnecks, petroleum engineers or geologists around, the crime rate will plummet and most police forces can be cut, courts can shut down and prisons eliminated.
Wear and tear on streets and highways will be reduced and thus the need for maintenance.
With everyone walking and pedaling everywhere, people will be much healthier and medical costs will be reduced.
The NDP will be permanently installed as the government of Alberta and future political campaign expenditures will be eliminated.
Opponents to the plan believe that it is short-sighted and cannot work.
Winfred Graderson, Albertan
“If Albertans are not allowed to be in possession of more than 5 litres of gasoline at any given time, most of them will simply put less than that amount of gas in their vehicles and just visit gas stations much, much, much more often. Although this technique will work, it is not practical, especially for long distance travel. And Zombie Apocalypse insurance? Come on!” – Winfred Graderson, concerned Albertan
