WASHINGTON, DC – During a press conference in Washington, D. C., U. S. president Barack Obama announced the formation of a government task force to determine a method for reversing continental drift, the geologic process by which tectonic plates on the surface of the earth move around relative to each other.
The lead agency will be the U. S. Geological Survey with contributions from the Coast and Geodetic Survey, all branches of the military, various oceanographic institutions and of course the U. S. Treasury. Mr. Obama explained, “I was horrified to learn that because of continental drift America is getting farther away from Africa. Something has to be done! And soon!”
After a reporter did a search on his iPhone, he stated to the president that the rate of movement between the Americas and Africa was 2.5 centimeters per year, to which Mr. Obama retorted indignantly,
“So, in my seven years in office, Africa has gotten 30 centimeters less close. I don’t know how many hundreds of miles that is, but I bet it’s a bunch. When I go back to Kenya, it’s going to take me hours longer to get there and my time is too valuable to waste.” – Barack Odrama
Following the press conference, Wikileaks revealed that millions of dollars have already been spent from the Geological Survey’s “black budget” to develop a plan. Dr. Quentin Phulminator, Director of Black Budget Projects, denied that USGS has a black budget, but went on to say, “Speaking theoretically, all that is necessary to prevent further continental drift is to reverse the direction of the convection currents in the earth’s mantle underlying the Atlantic Ocean. We just have to find the forward/reverse switch which we believe is somewhere on the Mid-Atlantic Ridge. We’ve requested that the U. S. Navy move all its submarine fleet to the Atlantic Ocean to aid in the search.”
Crush Limburger, an obscure conservative talk show host, reportedly said,
“I’m all for getting as far away from Africa as possible, but does that mean we’re getting closer to all them Chinese on the other end of the planet? We should be figuring out how to get farther away from everywhere else, even Canada. Come to think of it, can we get one of those conniption currents to put Mexico down where Antarctica is now?”