File photo: A young lady types on a keyboard.

The Disassociated Press – Calgary-based Bendovus Energy’s stock surged in early morning trading shortly after straight-talking President and CEO, Bruce Richardson, fired his VP of Human Resources for sending a company-wide email containing too many buzzwords, and worse yet, made absolutely no sense.

It would appear that the trend of using cliche buzzwords is starting to fade in light of the words being overused in meetings, press releases, and even water-cooler banter in corporate kitchens.

Bruce Richardson, P.Smiles.

“You know, I tried my best to put up with Mrs. Pennytwinkle’s emails over the past year or so, but she continued to use more and more buzzwords, and many of them I believe she made up just for the sake of it. What happened to the lost art of straight talking? I’m just talking honest-to-goodness  straight talk – just saying things how they are, without trying to show people that you are connected? I miss the days of old. Anyhow, Mrs. Pennytwinkle is no longer with the company and I hope that we can move on.”

2P News reporter Michael Remrick was able to get his hands on the email that pushed Bruce Richardson over the top. The email was sent to all staff to introduce amendments to the company’s Corporate Policy.

To: All Staff
Subject: Proposed changes to corporate policy

The executive management team is in alignment at a high level that we need to deep dive into modifying the Corporate Policy to accommodate bleeding edge change agents in the diversity of the staff here at Bendovus Energy. The advertainmental changes, based on a freemium disruptor model, are going to be a game changer as we circle the wagons towards a clear goal of employing big data and predictive analytics to break through the clutter to add energy and impact to our exit strategy as we drink from the fire hose. Our corporate synergies are on deck with our core competency to deliver hyperlocal incentives to make a case to move the needle on our low hanging KPIs.

Our Generation X and Y staff will pivot and ideate around a new experience, or dare I say, a paradigm shift as we peel back the onion and be proactive whilst pushing the envelope on the corporate changes towards our runway of success. We can run the changes up the flagpole just as we had scripted in the original sweet spot and create synergy with the senior staff to increase their wellness as they sweep the sheds of work-life balance. We believe this is a win-win scenario on a go forward basis that we might have to take offline to release any tension in the system.

At the end of the day, our senior management team feels that we can leverage any low hanging fruit as the amendments are mission critical for us growing the business instead of going back to square one on the runway as we promote globalization and best practices of swim lane efficiencies. And as you may be aware, after calibrating our expectations to the modified policy manual, we will move forward through organic growth so that we can reach out, spin-up, and streamline the sustainability of our survival strategy that we know falls squarely within our wheelhouse. We will not try and boil the ocean, but rather keep the client-centric focus as we close the loop and back the Corporate Policy up on the cloud in real-time. Value-added… workflow.

If anything in this email is unclear, or if you have any comments, please come and see me.

Thanx muchly,

Doris Pennywinkle, CHRP
VP of Human Resources
Bendovus Energy

According to an inside source close to the Bendovus Energy executive team, Bruce Richardson replied to Doris’ email, asking her, in no uncertain terms, what the hell she was talking about. The source continued to say that Mr. Richardson, along with every other employee in the company, did not understand the email whatsoever, and he couldn’t even glean one change to the Company Policy from it.

Mrs. Pennywinkle could not be reached for comment. But rumour has it she was heard mumbling a combination of buzzwords and swear words under her breath as she was escorted from the building.

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