TULSA, Oklahoma – The rank-and-file professional workers in the oil and gas industry are under pressures unprecedented in modern history: self-isolation due to the COVID-19 pandemic, massive unemployment, an uncertain future due to solar and wind energy, and as always, dipshit management.
The World Organization of Petroleum Societies (WOOPS) recognizes the precarious mental state of most of its members and has decided to take steps to address the problems. Dr. Sigmund Fraud, a renowned psychiatric phrenologist, has been hired to develop and oversee a program to assist the membership.
As a first step, Dr. Fraud developed a set of categories to determine priorities for who needs the most help:
Catatonics – Persons who have completely shut down mentally and are unable to care for themselves. Comparable to a newborn infant, including the crying. Most likely to be an engineer who does nothing but stare at a screen.
Psychotics – Barely aware of the outside world but unable to deal with it. Predominantly geologists who spend most of their time staring at a screen.
Neurotics – Somewhat able to cope with the present situation but on the edge of becoming either a Psychotic or a Depressive. Can be anyone, even a manager.
Depressives – Persons who haven’t laughed or had fun in at least a decade. Most are exploration geologists who have given up on ever getting a prospect drilled.
Alcoholics – Well, isn’t that just about everyone? This will be considered a secondary characteristic to the other categories.
Andy Killingers – The criminal element in WOOPS. Fully functioning but artistically homicidal. More common than you think.
Anencephalics – Persons born without a brain who got an MBA, went directly into management and quickly rose to the executive level.
Microcephalics – Persons born with tiny brains who went directly into management but stalled at mid level. Just enough brain power to also be a Psychotic.
Dr. Fraud noted that his program is not intended to address the problems of the Anencephalics and the Microcephalics. Instead, they will be herded into zoo cages along with the Andy Killingers. The ensuing mayhem will be video-recorded and sold to a sports network or a site on the dark web. This should defray much of the cost of the main program.
2P News will report additional details as they become available.
An editorial comment from your humble correspondent: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s a shitstorm out there right now. I have experienced five boom and bust cycles. It will get better, but maybe not for a while.