HOUSTON, Texas – TexxonMogul Chief Executive Officer Max Avarice announced today a plan to cut costs by reducing office space requirements for professional staff. He said, “I noticed that after an engineer or geologist finishes his or her 12-hour day and goes home, the office just sits there unused. In the near future everyone below the rank of vice president will be assigned to either A or B shift. A shift will work from 8:00 am to 8:00 pm and B shift will work from 8:00 pm to 8:00 am. The last 10 minutes of each shift will be used for tidying up the office and getting it ready for the next person.” This will include vacuuming, emptying the wastebasket and sterilizing everything. A simulated steam whistle will sound through the building’s PA system.
TexxonMogul consulted with Pigeonhole Architects Inc., who are most famous for their design work on Chinese prisons and Yemeni refugee camps, to come up with the most efficient use of space. One of their key innovations for office buildings is the elimination of elevators except for ones that go to executive floors. Most multi-story buildings have both stairs and elevators, which in their view is an unnecessary redundancy. Also, the airspace between a person’s head and the ceiling is completely wasted, so they fit three floors into the vertical space that used to be two.
Janet Torre, head of Office Services at TexxonMogul is drawing up the schedule to consolidate office space. She said, “Not all the freed-up space will be turned back to the building owner. The vending machine room will be expanded so the B Shift people can have access to crappy, outdated food and caffeine. To cover the additional cost, prices in the machines will be increased by 50%. But more importantly, a second office for Mr. Avarice will be constructed so he can have a change of scenery when he gets bored with his current office. He has specifically asked for a bowling alley and a rifle range.”
When it was pointed out to Mr. Avarice that this plan might work a major hardship on many people with families, he replied, “Tough shit. They ought to be glad to have any kind of job right now.”