TORONTO, Ontario – 2P News has learned that the results of a COVID wastewater study have some unintended and surprising results. It seems that the testing has also revealed that voting liberal is the result of bacterial infection, and not common sense or free will.
The study was intended to track COVID infection through the wastewater and faeces of the population. Through breakdown and analysis of the samples, a new strain of bacteria has been discovered. Dubbed Liberalus Dumbassasuss, this invasive bacteria has been linked to a common disorder through central and eastern regions of Canada and even parts of the United States. Initial study of the bacteria suggests that it may cause political dementia, crazed socialistic and debt spending tendencies, along with the urge to vote for persons with fancy hair or the most colourful socks. It’s also be associated with lower IQ levels in certain age groups, although this has yet to be confirmed.
“We have finished 3 rounds of testing on the genetic makeup of Lib. Dum. and confirmed that it has quite a few of the key sequences we know cause liberalism, or Leftyitis for the lay-person. We always knew there was something causing this treatable infection, but it eluded us until we found massive amounts of Lib. Dum. in the wastewater in liberal or left leaning political strongholds. armed with this knowledge, we can indeed work up a cure for “stupid” and see if we can’t get the country back on track. – Dr. Fouchee Tamm, t.F.S.A., T.De., C.R.A., Ph., Resp.
Lib. Dum. infects the host by many modes, including aerosol, water born, or touch. It begins by clouding the Common Sensus portion of the Smartal lobe in the western hemisphere of the brain, and continues to completely infect the eastern side of the brain with cloudy, cell-destroying neuron-webbing. This leaves the individual primarily eastern-stupid, and prone to chanting support for others with the affliction, such as left leaning or liberal political persons.
Just like Hollywood zombies, they will not eat their own, but prey on the uninfected whom remain smarter and more rational then they are. Occasionally the far side of the western portion of the brain suffers a slow down of capacity and throughput, known in medical circles as the British Californian Condition. BCC often results in the infected person knowing better, but they simply don’t care enough, or have the will power, to do anything but sit quietly and suffer though their own ignorance.
Calgary-based Hookem Pharmaceuticals is currently conducting human trials for its new antibiotic to target Liberalus Dumbassasuss right at its source. The company anticipates its Kure4Stoopidillin gel-tabs to roll out in April, 2021.