CALGARY, Alberta – On the heels of a recent 2P News article regarding the sale of Canadian farts to China. we have learned that China has ordered its military cyberhackers to target 2P News and utterly destroy us. It would appear that the Chinese government believes the article we wrote to be an insult to China. Well, of course it was. That’s what we do. No less a personage than President/General Secretary/Chairman Xi Jinpingpong himself ordered the attack.
When Andy Killinger’s Black Hat hacker friends alerted us to the impending attack we simply unplugged the office computer. We felt the most likely avenue of attack is a DoS (denial of service). This is when the attacker floods the target with a bunch of spurious requests for data that prevents anyone else from accessing the target. This would be a waste of time for the Chinese because precious few people ever download our news articles anyway. Besides, our TRS-80 computer’s operating system is an early version of DOS (disc operating system) from 1979 and nobody else in the world uses it or has a clue what it is.
Remember when people thought all the computers would crash when January 1, 2000 rolled around? All the old, retired COBOL programmers were rehired to fix the so-called millennial bug. It turned out to be much ado about nothing. The difference is that all the old, retired DOS programmers are dead. I think we have a DOS manual somewhere in the office and I suppose we ought to look for it.
Just to be safe, though, we started using the free computers at the Calgary Public Library and so far their firewall has held up. We’re changing user name and password daily. We left a message at the Canadian Cyber Operator headquarters about what’s happening and we’re hoping that they can exploit the situation to kick some Chinese ass. We asked them to pass along the information to U. S. Cyber Command. Maybe between the two of them they’ll find a way to plant a virus, worm or trojan in the Chinese system.
So why are we going to all this trouble? We’re tired of being pushed around by cyber bullies when all we’re trying to do is report the news we make up and have a little good, clean malevolent fun.
A message from all of us at 2P News to the Chinese Communist Party: 操你妈