CALGARY, Alberta – Canada is making progress on getting its population immunized against the COVID-19 virus, but there are still a significant number of holdouts. Mostly they’re the people who believe the moon landing was faked, Trump won the 2020 U. S. election, Justin Bieber has talent and the nearly 27,000 Canadians who have died are really just taking long naps. The real-truth no-shit this-isn’t-fake fact is that the vast majority of medical experts are confident that “herd immunity” can be achieved if enough people are vaccinated. Yeah, the virus is mutating and we might wind up having to get booster shots but we already do that with influenza. Maybe the two can be combined.
After a prolonged discussion (and some Moosepeace) with our staff physician, Dr. Hugo Quackenbush, we have come up with a few ways to help the dumbasses to either get their shots or be totally isolated so they won’t spread the disease.
The Pfizer and Moderna vaccines both require getting two shots. Some people believe this is horribly inconvenient and skip the second shot. Now you holdouts can get both at the same time, but instead of in the arm it has to be in your thumbnail. The Canadian Sewing Guild has generously offered to supply the vaccination machines. It’s very quick but incredibly painful.
Before going out in public, a non-vaccinated person will have to don a fully armoured hazmat suit. But, this will be to keep your viruses in rather than keep other people’s viruses out. Once you’re in the suit, you stay in the suit. It might get a little smelly after a while, but that’s a small price to pay for maintaining your “health freedom.” The inventor has promised to install a spigot so wastes can be emptied.
If your excuse for not getting the shots is that you don’t have any way to travel to a vaccination site, the Police Motorcycle Sidecar Club has just the thing for you. They’ll pick you up, lock you in and deliver you to the nearest site. Once you sign up, though, you’re not allowed to change your mind. They’ll try not to hit too many potholes, but no guarantees.
- If you live in the maritime provinces and are too afraid of needles to get the shots, a special syringe has been developed just for you. It’s bit bulky but once you’ve been jabbed you won’t ever have to worry about COVID-19 again or anything else for that matter.