CALGARY, Alberta – Bendovus Energy, headquartered in Calgary, has been found guilty in Small Claims Court after a contentious three month trial that is sure to set many legal precedents. The rancor between the two parties in the courtroom was unprecedented. The case now moves into the penalty phase which may take another three months. Judge Haing M. Heigh has promised to move the case along as quickly as he possibly can but he has been advised that Bendovus will be calling an additional 492 witnesses, experts and time-wasters.
Observers in the courtroom struggled to keep up with all the testimony. The transcript of the trial is already at 36 volumes and will go much higher. Perhaps the most interesting facet of the trial was Bendovus’s vociferous use of the long-standing legal principle of Erat illi, non mihi. Bendovus’s attorneys spent thousands of billable hours researching this line of attack and used all of it during the trial. As a result, sometimes the noise of snoring in the courtroom drowned out the testimony.
Mr. Dèng Xiaôpíng Dòngbīn, Chief Executive Officer of Bendovus, vowed to pursue an appeal to Provincial Superior Court. He said, “This decision is political in nature and does not fit the facts of the case. Moreover, it’s not the decision we paid for. Heads will roll.” It is estimated that several million dollars in legal fees were spent trying the case. Millions more will be spent on appeals and bribes.
2P News’ own attorney, Hubert Scheister of Dewey Cheatham & Howe, has tried to follow the proceedings, but has admitted he hasn’t a clue how the court arrived at its decision. He said, “I’ve never seen so much contradictory evidence. One side said ‘Black is white’ while the other side said ‘No, white is black.’” Mr. Scheister speculated that much of the trial’s time was wasted because the judge’s gavel was too large for him to wield, leading to many delays while the judge sought physical therapy. However, Judge Heigh stated that the outsized mallet was necessary for it to be heard over the cacophony of the attorneys.