CALGARY, Alberta – In a bid to forestall a number of possible discrimination lawsuits, the management of 2P News announces that it is adopting new style guidelines that eliminate sexual identifications whenever possible. For most tricky situations, we formerly consulted the New York Times Manual of Style and Usage but many of its rules do not fit in with Canadian usage. We decided that we had to write our own guidelines. This was a lengthy undertaking that involved quite a few disputes among staff members. A few examples of our efforts are:
Jackass, usually used to describe Andy Killinger, is no long acceptable since it is a male donkey and discriminates against female donkeys.
Asshole, usually used to describe Andy Killinger, is acceptable because it is sexless.
Bitch is correctly used only when talking about a female dog.
The sexist words alumnus and alumna, referring to school graduates, will now be replaced by the single word aluminum.
Courtesy titles such as Mr., Mrs., Ms. and Dr. will be replaced with a single title, Wh. (Whatever).
A brother or sister is now a sibling unless he/she/it is a politician then the correct word is quibbling.
Words with “man” imbedded with them should have “person” substituted. For example, manufacture becomes personufacture and permanent becomes perpersonent.
It will of course take time for 2P News staff to fully come to grips with the new guidelines, so we humbly ask your indulgence during this time of transition. Killinger may never get on board so we may have to shoot him or her or it.
The above text has been vetted by our attorney, Wh. Hubert Scheister, of the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe. Dewey, Cheatham & Howe is an equal opportunity employer and plagiarist. No animals were harmed in the writing of this screed except for one annoying chihuahua. Do not attempt to write a 2P News article without training and a massive dose of a hallucinogen. Dewey, Cheatham & Howe believes in rock and roll and music to save your mortal soul. Can you teach me how to dance real slow?