CALGARY, Alberta – Asshat-Zzzz BioTechnology Company, headquartered in Cambridge, England and one of the companies known as Big Pharma is opening a satellite facility in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. The primary purpose of the facility will be to conduct human trials of new drugs. Dr. Joseph Mangler, the executive who will be in charge of the facility, said that Calgary was an optimal place to conduct trials. He explained, “With its concentration of workers in the defunct oil and gas industry, the town is full of unemployed, desperate, stupid people. They are perfect candidates for our drug tests, especially the engineers and geologists.
“Unfortunately, many of the candidates are malnourished and in poor health, so we’ll have to get them completely healthy first before we start killing them again. This means no alcohol so they will have to be confined to prevent relapses. This will all be covered in the very, very fine print of the legal documents the participants will have to sign. Depending on which drug they take, they can make up to $300 per day.”
The first drug to be tested will be a powerful laxative, Schittabric, designed to cure severe intestinal blockages such as that caused by too much cheese in the poutine. In preliminary trials it often led to anal prolapse. Some cases were so bad that their assholes were actually dragging the ground. A less powerful version will hopefully eliminate the problem.
Triopenum (now in an adult-proof bottle) was developed as an arthritis treatment and was moderately successful, but a common side effect was growing hair on the soles of the feet and palms of the hands. The developers are tinkering with the formula to see if the hair-growing can be moved to the head. That would make it a blockbuster drug for sure. Andy Killinger is interested.
Cantcurenuttin is the first official placebo offering by a major drug company. The sugar pills usually used have been found to negatively affect diabetics. This pill is totally inert and will pass through the digestive system completely intact. Its effectiveness is inversely proportional to the subject’s intelligence since it relies on gullibility. The first group to be tested will be geologists.
Damitol is a potent tranquilizer that may be ideal for people in Canada. It’s well known that the nation’s supply of docilite [2P News, February 9, 2021] is nearly gone and this may be a low-cost alternative. A few side effects such as hearing loss, blindness and death need to be worked on. It will be tested on engineers since they will swallow anything.
Humperallatym concluded animal testing with a massive population explosion of the lab rats. It is believed to be an order of magnitude more powerful than sildenafil (Viagra™). However, early reports are that the resulting erections are so hard and persistent that urinating is nearly impossible. Further testing will be done on landmen.
Dr. Mangler expects that the facility will be up and running by the end of summer, barring any regulatory delays.