CALGARY, Alberta – In a just-released report from the Canadian Institute of Strange Behavior, a surprising correlation between IQ and success for petroleum geologists was discovered. The surprising part is that it is an inverse relationship. That is, success declines as his or her intelligence increases. (All data collected was gender neutral, since it’s hard to tell anyway.) It should be noted that the range of intelligence among geologists is analogous to that between circus elephants and well-trained house plants.
The difficulty of correctly assessing intelligence and success led to a number of innovative techniques to arrive at a numeric score. Scores ranged from 42 to 3 billion.
- The hatred registered on the rotoscope and viziphone by colleagues when a geologist’s name is mentioned.
- Salary and benefits converted to a ratio of Zimbabwean dollars to Russian rubles.
- Body mass index (BMI) measured in fig newtons per meter.
- Skull thickness measured in centipoise directly by trephination.
- Mass in micropascals of dissertations and published papers corrected for paper weight, ink color and font.
Overall, however, the most important test is a geologist’s performance in a maze. The test maze had to be simplified a number of times. The usual mazes used with rats, mice and flat worms proved to be too much of a challenge. The maze sketched below was the most useful.
Results of the maze test were:
- 17% could not enter the maze due to complete confusion. Some tripped over the word “entrance” painted on the floor.
- 41% collided with Wall A repeatedly and were rendered unconscious.
- 36% made the right turn but collided with Wall B and were rendered unconscious.
- 5% selected Exit 1, picked up the stale donut and ate it.
- 1% selected Exit 2, picked up the stack of coins and ate them.
A few hit the wall between the two exits but ultimately selected one exit or the other. Most noteworthy, the stupidest geologists as measured by the other criteria picked up the money and in one remarkable case picked up money and then ate the stale donut. This led to the counter-intuitive conclusion that the stupidest geologists are the most successful.
Editor’s Note: A preliminary report on this phenomenon was in the Journal of Irreproducible Results