CALGARY, Alberta – The Bestest Outdoor Show on Earth is around the corner and the Calgary Police Force and security detail have already been briefed on a number of new summary offences for which law enforcement, “expects to see many charges laid.”
The new laws, which came into effect just last Monday, despite being in the works since 2016 after an incident where two Calgary-area engineers were charged after a number of failed attempts to access the Stampede grounds and a 2018 incident where CPF sought the public’s help finding a group of intoxicated stampede party-goers.
Sergeant Rob Banks, Calgary Police Force

“If you’re an engineer or geologist and plan to visit the stampede grounds, you’d better think again, because our Public Safety Task Force will have a significant presence, ticket books, writing utensils, and we’ll be fixin’ to do some writin’,” Master Sergeant Rob Banks told 2P News this morning.

For the benefit of its 17 loyal readers, to prepare them for their journey to the Stampede Grounds in 2023, 2P News has listed the most serious of the new changes below.
  1. Aggravated Geology with a Crayon
  2. Public Lewdness with a Calculator
  3. Rectal Flaring with Malicious Intent in a Public Space
  4. AFE Laundering (aka Tampering with Supps)
  5. Theft of Seismic over $10,000
  6. Concealing Crude-Saturated Core Plugs for the Purposes of Making the Slowest Burning Molotov Cocktail Ever Made
  7. Illegal Use of a Rock Hammer in Wack-A-Mole
  8. Use of a Section of Polished Rod in Pocket to Lure a Partner Under False Pretences
  9. Possession of an open container of 25% HCL for the purposes of securing a date
  10. Impersonating a Professional Engineer for the Purposes of Involuntary Fornication
  11. Use of Engineering Talk to Confuse Carnies Causing General Mayhem
  12. Failure to Produce an Iron or Earth Ring After Being Detained
  13. Over-Stressing and Damaging the Suspension of a Police Cruiser Post Arrest (applies only to male spacetime-warping geologists)
  14. Uttering Threats to “those people” Who Designed the Carnival Rides (applies only to know-it-all engineers)
  15. Removal of Iron Ring to Impersonate a Normal Human Being for the Purposes of Picking up a Bae

2P News’ Staff Counsellor, Andy Killinger, from the uber-popular Dear Andy series explains to readers that if you’re an engineer or geologist, especially one who is unemployed and likes to drink, and you don’t want to be touched by law enforcement, it’s best just to visit the Stampede Show grounds dressed in drag or donning attire made from rainbows.

A note from the editor: For a special treat, click here to see a list of all of the 2P News articles written about the Calgary Stampede Show dating back to 2013. Enjoy and yippee ki yay, melon farmer!!


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here