RED DEER, Alberta – Online dating and infidelity mogul Ashley Madison (AM) has always held the spotlight for a website devoted to cheating and affairs, with the likes of POF and Christian Mingle catering specifically to the only do me once crowd. AM has a new competitor opening its online doors in September however, that uses math and a series of PNG related results to tabulate your chances of getting any action even before you chat.

The new website is owned and operated by ex-reservoir engineers and a geologist, formerly married.

imagesCA4XGN9VWe are going to destroy Ashley Madison!  Our system is unbeatable! It finds your faults, weaknesses, and it’s honest with you.  No pipe dreams here boys, if you are a nasty little cubicle waif of a man, you get sorted that way.  But it will work, and it will get you some action! – Rudoph Clamdigger, COO.

George Malarkey (as the new website is called, don’t ask us) has a new spin on match making, and it is largely to do with getting laid – any way humanly possible, if your stats are good enough.  The website takes your information, statistics, and measurements, then it asks you to provide the same information for your spouse.  A second round of questions require your sexual history, frequency, time since your last action, name of your last partner, their stats and measurements, and how drunk you and he/she were.  At this point, a series of complex calculations, including a root mean square history match, are executed and within a couple of days you have results.

GM will align you with a number of options, and as any good reservoir engineer will tell you, there are a few categories.  The first is a list of “Proven” matches, similar to your wife, and matched perfectly to your aptitudes.  The second list os a bunch of “Probables.”  Probables are partners you may score with given enough booze and charm, or a sexy dress/nice hair piece.  The third list is going to be the hotties, male or female, and it is called the “Possible” category.

There is about a 10% chance of scoring a Possible, but we have to list them.  Who would check out a website with all ugly, realistic people. – John Tramoo, CEO GM

Generally speaking, the super complex and proprietary matching algorithms assign a heavy weighting factor to the amount of sex experienced by the registrant, which means the more sex you are having, the better your results will be. Special provisions are made for geologists, so that they do not receive only a list of Proven matches.

8-7-2013 1-01-11 PM
Some of the equations that the programmers used to make the matches.

In true reservoir engineering fashion, the 3 match categories can be quantified by converting them into percentiles. So you have a 90% chance of scoring with the matches in your Proven category; a 50% chance with those in the Probable category, and in the elite Possible category, a slim 10% of getting down and dirty.

Mike Oxlong, a software engineer with the site’s development team, tested a beta prototype version of the site, remarked the following:

So far this is coming along very well. I typed in all of the required information, and 25% of my matches fell into the Proven category, 35% in Probable, and 40% in the Possible category. The algorithm assigned a very heavy weight to my name, as it certainly should have.

Below are the photos of the top matches in each category for Mike Oxlong’s search.

Left – #1 Proven Match, Middle – #1 Probable Match, and #1 Possible Match
Mike Oxlong
Mike Oxlong – a software engineer who is all business

I gotta tell you, this thing is pretty much bang on. My #1 Proven match is a spitting image of my old lady. And although there is a 10% chance that I would strike out with my Proven matches, with the name Mike Oxlong, I don’t think so. And my #1 Possible Match, wowsers! I would be on her like funk on a skunk, yup, I’d do some damage to that.


And it turns out that the odds that I’d get in the sack with a young lady who looks like that are roughly 1/10 based on my past experiences – so the system is working great.

George Malarkey will open its virtual doors next month, but until then, it is unclear how well this new reserves-based matching technology will do in the highly competitive online dating scene. From what the 2P News staff has seen thus far, we give GM a P50 chance of succeeding.


  1. Wow the programmers had to use quantum mechanics equations to get the matches! Normally you just need analog data points and to run the statistics and come up with the P10, P50 and P90.

  2. @Phil Smarty Pants: Apparently, these programmers are that good. They took their work to some of the most fundamental levels of thinking, because they understood that on a quantum mechanical level, everything is based on probabilities. They even showed us some Feynman Diagrams and worked in some Higgs bosons, because without the Higgs field, it all wouldn’t matter.

  3. Sometimes you get things not bad, sometimes its pretty funny….but this time maybe too far? George Malarkey is just stupid. Who names a company George? sheesh..hahaha


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