STETTLER, Alberta – A research group based out of Nome, Alaska has been studying the effects and cause of the recently popular Polar Vortex phenomenon. The study concluded 2 weeks ago and scientists were eager to share their results, which for political reasons were withheld from the public until yesterday.
The study found that the sole cause of a swirling mass of arctic air was the wind farm located just east of Stettler, Alberta. Apparently the wind turbines are changing the natural flow path of most air masses in the region, redirecting them north, after which they masses move south after they have significantly chilled.
We studied one very small area for effect so we did not get more data than we could process. While studying every sweep of cold air in the vortex, they all began and ended in the central Alberta, Stettler region. Tighter focus beacons and instruments prove without a doubt, wind power and wind farms are the cause of these cooling anomalies. We are calling it Wind Cooling. – Pedro Habanamie Smith, team lead, PV Study Group.
The study was originally commissioned by a division of Bendovus Energy as its operations were being hindered by the cold weather and no other solution could be found. The study took 2 months, and cost the group nearly $7.2 million dollars. All 3 researchers in the group are extremely satisfied with their results.
Partners in this study have remained anonymous, but officials have verified that the payments came in the form of Bitcoins from a bank in downtown Calgary. The results of the study also demand that existing wind farms be torn down and decommissioned with the metal sold for scrap. The magnets in each generator are to be recycled into cute ways to put art on your fridge.
We tink dis is a valid bit of know how. I like to tink dat myself, of course me, and maybe you, but mostly me, agree that thees tourbines be stopped right now. What has Alison got to lose now? Shes pretty much in the toilet anyhow.- Thomas Lukaszuk, Redford’s ex-friend
Opposition to the study has no bounds it seems, especially on social media. Twitter experts including @2breakwind and @showmetheflow have launched stellar anti-PV Study Group propaganda, and with their several tens of followers, it will likely have as much impact as an overpriced study commissioned by oil and gas to stop wind power.
Social media giant Facebook Corporation has also joined the ranks of the opposition, with Mr. Zuckerberg being quoted as saying:
I just put all new Dyson fans in the head office, and now they are ruining the Arctic and freezing polar bears?! F*%k a duck man, when can a guy get a break?! And those fans were freakin’ expensive. I hope I can return them.