CALGARY, Alberta – In a surprise move last night, Mayor Naheed Nenshi announced the closure of Calgary’s downtown core to vehicular traffic. Permanently.

nenshi again
The honourable Mayor Nenshi

There has been an ongoing battle between motorists and cyclists, pedestrians and bus lovers, politicians and the homeless. I decided I’m fed up with the whining, and I’m making an executive municipal decision.

I’m closing the downtown core and all bridges to anything with a motor. Transit buses will stop on bridges to offload and pickup passengers; C-trains will be allowed since they are electric. You jive turkeys can walk.

While some European cities such as Yogen Fruuzen and Haaagan Dousen use systems like this to curb their inner-city traffic, no one has yet done so in North America. The system would allow all manual modes of transportation except skateboards. Mayor Nenshi continues, “We all know that hipsters ride skateboards, and there are already far too many of those people in the core working at Starbucks and Phil and Teds.”

Scooters will be allowed only if the pilots wear reflective speedo style Borat suits; the same applies to inline skaters.

The core will be stripped of all streetlights and crosswalk lines. Intersections will become focal points for mid-street coffee vendors and donkey-train food trucks.

Parking garages will be converted to affordable housing, where some of the units will be available with a 2 cart garage.

sean chu
Sean Chu

I don’t know what Neshers is thinking, this is lunacy.  If we close the core to all motor vehicles, people will riot, and some o them pretty much forget how to walk if they don’t have a motivational Starbucks sign ahead of them. We have already had a mandatory downtown dress code stuffed in our faces, and now this?! It will never work.- Sean Chu

Dru Farrel concedes to the idea, and she is prepared to learn to ride a 2 wheeler.

City planner Bigerthen Urbuubs has estimated the project shouldn’t cost more than $10,000, since the demolition will be mostly volunteer-based. Businesses will be responsible for taking down all automobile related signage within 50′ of their storefront. Mr. Urbuubs has also strongly suggested that residents of the core find parking for their vehicles in the suburbs before they are towed.

I don’t understand. Does Nenshi want us all to ride that stinky meat tube loser cruiser in to work everyday, and then get off and walk my fat asses to the office on 3rd? He’s a dictator is what he is! We’ll move back to Estevan if I have to walk to work. – Madelaine McKarphur

The new signs that will erected throughout Calgary's downtown core
The new signs that will erected throughout Calgary’s downtown core

While Nenshi has been silent on the issue since his press release yesterday, rumours abound that he has recently purchased shares in The Running Room franchise and Bow Cycle.

Bud Felcher LLC has noted that the investments could be a serious conflict of interest for the Mayor if proven, but cases like that are hard to prove in Bowness as most records are kept in canning jars along the river bank.



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