EDMONTON, Alberta – The West Edmonton Mall branch of the Royal Fog Bank of Edmonton was burglarized over the weekend. The thieves used directional drilling tools and a rig located over two kilometers from the bank to pull off the heist.
Officials are trying to determine how much was taken but it is expected to be in the high hundreds of dollars.
Bank President Mort Gage said that the criminals drilled into the vault, ran a string of tubing and used a vac truck to move out all the loose bank notes and coins. A number of safety deposit boxes were also drilled and local citizens lost an undisclosed amount of personal items including Edmonton Oilers paraphernalia. “They must have had a downhole video system to guide the tools,” guessed Mr. Gage, “That, or a really skinny kid to slide through the 7″ casing.” He continued,
Someone should have noticed that there was some funny business taking place on at that rig. Not only was it working on the weekend but according to Edmonton Police Service records, every drilling hand in the province checked into the swanky Chateau Lake Louise within hours after the heist. – Mr. Mort Gage, President
A search of the now-abandoned drilling rig found nothing but a huge pile of empty Moosepeace Beer cans, Big Chief big jerky wrappers and sunflower seed waste. The EPS believe this proves the perpetrators were Albertans because nobody else could drink that much Moosepeace and still have the wherewithal to rob the bank.
RCMP Sergeant Fred Scuttle added, “That’s a new one, eh? Sounds like strictly a local matter perpetrated by a bunch of beer-drinking hosers, eh? Ya know, ya know, ya know. Oh yah, oh yah. Now take off, Mr. Reporter, they just radioed in a fresh batch of tractor wheels over at Timmies on 120th… eh”
The rig’s owner does not believe that the heist was executed by directional drillers and crew in his employ because he claims that those guys couldn’t stay in a 50 meter thick pay zone to save their lives, let alone target a bedroom-sized vault in a bank 2 kilometres away.
My guys are innocent and I will fight for them to the end. The only people that could have done this are engineers that may have planned this for years. So the police needs to start with the APEGA membership record if they want to find the bad guys. – Rod String, rig owner
Anyone with information about the case is asked to call the EPS at (555) BIG-NATS or Crime Slappers at 555-CANS. 2P News will keep you posted on any developments on this investigation as they unfold.