HOUSTON, Texas – Bowing to overwhelming public, government, and environmental pressure, the venerable oilfield services giant, Hollimorton Oilfield Services Inc., today revealed that the main constituent of the chemical mix it uses for most hydraulic stimulation (frac) jobs is actually a chicken soup recipe supplied by former CEO Dick Brainey’s grandmother.
Granny passed along the recipe to family members, including me, but swore us all to secrecy. That’s why we couldn’t say what was in the frac fluid. All those flakey save-the-earth protesters who thought we were so evil, really just wanted me to break an old lady’s heart. Shame on you. – Mr. Brainey, former CEO
Hollimorton chemists spent years and millions of dollars trying to develop a frac fluid superior to that of its competitors. After many failures, Mr. Brainey, who was CEO at the time, became very disenchanted with the research group.
At a meeting during which the group admitted yet another series of failures, in disgust Mr. Brainey gave the team a thermos full of Granny’s chicken soup he had brought from home for lunch and asked them to experiment with it in the field. Fearful of being fired, the engineering completions team actually tried it.
To everyone’s great surprise, chicken soup worked magnificently. Hollimorton quickly formed a strategic alliance with Campbell’s Soup Co. to manufacture commercial quantities of the chicken soup according to Granny’s recipe.
Until this revelation, delivery of the soup to Hollimorton was through a third party to maintain secrecy. The ingredients for a traditional-sized batch are:
- 1 whole chicken, de-boned and shredded
- Salt and pepper, to the reservoir’s taste
- Monosodium glutamate (MSG)
- 1 large onion, diced
- 1 bunch of celery, sliced
- 1 clove of garlic, minced
- 1 bunch of carrots, peeled and sliced (preferably organic)
- 1 tablespoon of chicken bouillon
- Dihydrogen monoxide (H2O)
Of course, quantities of the individual ingredients are greatly increased for industrial production at Campbell’s facilities. Disclosure of the exact method of preparation is not required, only the list of ingredients. Campbell’s Soup declined to comment, stating that their agreement with Hollimorton for secrecy was still in force despite the announcement.
Anti-fracking activist groups expressed disappointment over the revelation. Ms. Hortense Delilah Pantiwaste of the Citizens Opposed to Everything We Don’t Understand moaned,
How can we be opposed to chicken soup? Every Jewish mother in the world will now be pro-fracking. Oh well, at least we can still whine about the MSG. A lot of people claim to be sensitive. I have no idea what dihydrogen monoxide is, but it sounds terrible and I’m opposed to it.
I would add a little organic butter just to lube it up a bit.
@ Kate: I think the scientists at Hollimorton tried organic butter, and although it did help with the lubricity, it was too expensive. So now they are using Parkaaaaay (Butter!).
Is the butter required for a conventional frac or just going down the backside.
@ Bob: Hahaha, I like that. Only Kate would know the answer to that question for her particular case.
It’s for going UP the backside.
I stand corrected , Kate+Butter=backside 😉