EDMONTON, Alberta – In a bid to appease environmental lunatics and the New Democratic Party (NDP), Alberta Natural Gas Energy Resources (ANGER) announced today that it will cease using commercially-prepared methyl mercaptan (methanethiol, CH3SH) as an odorant in natural gas sold to the public. In its stead, ANGER will use a surfeit of skunks provided by the NDP to odorize its product.
Alberta premier Wretched Nutley personally approved the use of the animals because they have been unemployed since stinking up the provincial elections earlier this year. The technical details of how this will be accomplished are pending.
Miss Hortense Delilah Pantiwaste, President and Chief Scold of the Citizens Opposed to Whatever (COW) promised a vigorous protest. She whined,
“It doesn’t matter that Ms. Nutley is a commie just like everyone in my group, it’s wrong to exploit a defenseless creature like this. Just how does she plan to force the little darlings to emit their malodorous scent? By physical abuse, I tell you! That, or by showing them a photograph of Jim Harper.” – Miss Pantiwaste
The Canadian Gas Association warned that the switch could have deadly consequences for retail customers. Spokesman Ben Zeen explained, “People are familiar with the smell of mercaptan and instantly recognize it as natural gas. If a switch to skunk odor happens, people would be unsure of whether they have a gas leak or if there’s an NDP politician nearby. Either instance could lead to disaster.”
As a public service and to walk off a hangover, 2P News staff members took to the streets of Calgary to ask citizens for their opinions and to our disappointment encountered the usual massive indifference. Actual reactions included:
“Thank God the NDP is saving us from ourselves! No one has proved that long-term use of methyl mercaptan is safe! Mutant beavers could attack at any moment!”
“Quit wasting my time and go away, I’m late for work.”
“I have an all-electric house. Buzz off.”
“Hell, if you want something stinky in the gas, hook up my husband’s butt to a pipeline and give him all the Moosepeace beer he wants.”