• Net chuckles earnings per debt adjusted share up by 5% this quarter
  • Gut-busting, pant-wetting, sombrero-tipping, knee-slappers down 76% year-over-year
  • Top brass looking to right the ship with staff reductions

TORONTO, Ontario – 2P News shares (ToPee.TSX) fell more than 71 per cent today as the company announced it is looking to slash 80% of its salaried and unpaid workforce following a disappointing third quarter.

“It’s never easy to lose good people, but reducing staff and reassigning some roles is a step we must take to maintain cash flow,” said co-founder and Editor-in-Chief Antoine McGuillicuddy during a conference call with analysts in the afternoon after the Calgary-based company released its most recent operational performance and financial results.

Antoine M., 2P News co-founder

“It is evidently clear to me that our recent results are not reflecting our true potential, because if there’s one thing I know we can do it’s make people laugh, cry, or both at the same time.” – Antoine McGuilicuddy

2P News, which keeps its books in discontinued paper Canadian Tire currency, reported a $8.73 gross profit for the third quarter ending September 29, down $4.21 from $12.94 in the same quarter the previous year.

Advertising revenue in the quarter dropped as advertisers weren’t seeing the value through organic traffic growth following the laughs-per-share decline year-over-year.

The online news company’s shares fell by -$0.45CTM to close at -$1.43CTM on the Toronto Stock Exchange. The company has been banned from the NYSE.

Net cashflow adjusted EBITDUH was down 177 per cent over Q2 2018, coupled with a negative share price means that 2P News co-founders are scrambling to gather Canadian Tire Money to appease investors.

Dr. Darcy Flowman (not his best photo)

“We have a lot of work to do, and we owe it to our 17 investors who have been with us since the early days in 2013 (thanks, mom!) to turn this ship around and get some solid returns on their borrowed canadian tire money,” – Dr. Darcy Flowman, 2P News co-founder

The company also missed estimates from the street. The general sentiment among Stephen Avenue Mall passersby is that 2P News used to be funny, but laugh production has been declining over the past 3 years.

Kelly Androgyn, interviewed on Stephen Avenue

“I started reading 2P News back in 2013 when it Was just Antoine and Darcy. Back then I would be on the floor laughing at their Articles to the point i couldn’t breathe, but more recently All i have to give is a slight chortle. They need to step things up or I’ll be Swayze.” – Kelly Androgyn, 2P News reader

The 8-staff member outfit, that is operated from a renovated 2-storey 75 square foot shed in Flowman’s parents’ backyard recognizes the urgency of the situation and “is taking swift action”, Flowman continued, adding that he’s not interested in a quick fix like most oil and gas companies headquartered in downtown Calgary.

2P News HQ, with new complimentary employee fitness centre.

Although the company will be parting ways with fashion correspondent Yu Mii and field reporter Rodecker Smith, the balance of the restructuring will be in the form of reassignments.

Effective immediately, Sir William Shortspeare will take on a new role as Chief Mopping Scientist. Staff Counsellor Andrew Killinger will be assigned to casual hours, and Cynthia Redbush, well, according to Antoine McGuilicuddy, “she has to stick around.”

The company is also taking steps to simplify its business, implement one integrated laugh content supply chain, fully extract value and synergies from ramping up on Bendovus Energy articles, and invest in product innovation and other things including artificial intelligence help to return it to profitable organic growth by 2020.

Part of the work will include begging and pleading with readers (yes, including YOU!) to sign up to the 2P Newsletter and share posts on social media as much as possible, Dr. Flowman said. “We know who you are, readers, and if you don’t share, we will write about you, and it ain’t gonna be polite, let me tell you that.”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here