- Prime Minister’s motive to add stricter conditions to support his $&*@ the West, love the East political strategy
- Canadian Association of Oil & Gas Producers say that meeting conditions will be impossible, at best
OTTAWA, Ontario – Just as the SNC-Lavalin debacle is shifting into overdrive, Crime Minister Justin “Hot Tub” Trudeau is yet again in hot water over an emerging scandal that has him responsible for colluding with, or circumventing, the NEB to add 6 of his own conditions to the laundry list of 156 existing conditions on the NEB’s recent pipeline approval.
According to the Office of the Ethics Commissioner, this will mark the 34th ethics violation for the unicorn-mounted prince. The office confirmed that it administered a financial penalty of $1000 to Trudeau, which has since been paid from the public coffers.
“Whether it is forgetting to mention Alberta on Canada Day; Keeping information from canadians; spending $215,000 on a vacation that we all paid for; making enemies with the US and China (to name but a few countries); Letting the opioid crisis take too many canadian lives; buying the Trans Mountain pipeline and then ensuring that it doesn’t get built; putting canada into even deeper debt; not reforming the ‘flawed’ electoral system as promised during his campaIgn, errr… can we say Indian outfits and dance?… Now he is trying to add his own pipeline conditions to the NEB’s report? This guy can’t catch a break. – Andrew Schneer, Federal PC Leader
In a joint statement released Wednesday, the Ethics Commissioner and the RCMP have made public the conditions that were unlawfully and unofficially added to the 420-page approval document released by the NEB last week. The 6 conditions are listed below.
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- According to 1868 law, pipelines can only be constructed across Indigenous lands if chuck wagons and hand tools are used
- People in mascot costumes of the Spirit Raven and Dream Bear need to be present at all safety meetings
- Imported Russian killer whale caviar must be added to all diluted bitumen so that in the event of a tanker spill the eggs can hatch and help maintain marine life populations along Canada’s west coast
- All pipeline construction contractors must be SNC-Lavalin employees who are homosexual, non-binary vegans from North Korea with mobility issues and members of PETA in good standing
- All equipment used to construct the pipeline expansion must be powered by Tesla battery banks
- The pipeline must run through the riding of Vancouver Granville and through the backyard and MP office of former Justice Minister Jody Wilson-Raybould
“Not only will these conditions harm the oil and gas sector by making it damn near impossible for it to be built, but it also demonstrates very clearly that Justin Trudeau is indeed a very big @$$*&(#,” said the Premier of the province just east of British Columbia and immediately west of Saskatchewan, who spoke to 2P News under strict conditions of anonymity.
Editor’s Note: Justin Trudeau might in some way take pleasure from some form of sadomasochistic self-inflicted political damage to destroy his brand, and he may not be that bright. But you know what? He sure is pretty, he knows how to box, and he has some of the nicest hair of any leader of the G20 countries.