RED DEER, Alberta – In an amazing and shocking Fajarowicz-style trap, President Trump has managed to keep his stranglehold on America. Just this morning 2P News learned of the President’s brilliant, yet risky, move to secure the previously unknown 37 electoral votes in South Alaska.
Where in the smoking-Sam Hell is South Alaska you ask? Well let us tell you about a land deal the likes of which hasn’t been seen since The Louisiana Purchase. President Trump, acting on behalf of Trump Land Holdings LLP, managed to add a new US state, South Alaska, to the map just moments before the election and held legal but quiet balloting in the northern state just south of Normal Alaska (not Nome Alaska, Normal Alaska).
The deal has been in the works for several months now, as shell real estate companies held by Trump Holdings purchased large swaths of land in eastern British Columbia, Alberta, and Saskatchewan, as well as small portions of Manitoba because they were basically free.
Once these lands were secured in holding companies, the United States Treasury then purchased them from Trump Holdings for $1. This strategic move increased the natural resource value of the United States, while costing the taxpayer nothing, and costing Trump Holdings only slightly more than Michael Bloomberg spent on his luxury tour of the Primaries.
“With an additional 137 electoral college votes noW in play, in which no one voted for Biden because there was only time to setup several small polling stations that went largely unadvertised, the Trump campaign now has all the numbers they need to declare victory. – Greg Hattchetman, South Alaska Political Correspondent
While a large percentage of South Alaska’s population has no idea they are now Americans, the few that do are quite happy and on board to be part of New North America. What hasn’t been made abundantly clear to California and New York, is that they have been traded to China as part of a larger deal for more knockoff headphones and plastic shit to sell in what’s left of Canada.