CALGARY, Alberta – Bendovus Energy, headquartered in Calgary, Alberta announced that in lieu of the usual investment bankers and law firms that get involved, future mergers and acquisitions (M&A) will be handled by a matchmaker and wedding planner. Mr. Slinky S. Choir, Bendovus Vice-President of Mergers, Acquisitions and Land Grabs, explained the new strategy to a gathering of securities analysts. “The overhead charges we were incurring for M&A were horrendous. We discovered that a marital matchmaker has all the skills we need to location a suitable merger or acquisition candidate and a wedding planner does everything else we need to finalize the merger or acquisition.”
Dolly Levi, a renowned matchmaker, and Mary Fiore, a highly experienced wedding planner, have been retained by Bendovus. Ms. Levi matched Moe with Larry and Curly, Moloch with Donald Trump and Bill Gates with $76 billion dollars. Ms. Fiore has planned weddings for the Sultan of Browneye, Brangelina and her grandmother’s two cats Snuggles and Whiffles.
Ms. Levi explained her methods.
“I will find candidates by attending industry functions and schmoozing with the attendees, especially geologists because they can’t keep secrets. A lot of good leads come from ‘a friend of a friend’ referral. I supplement that by reading trade journals, hanging out in bars and wiretapping.”
Ms. Fiore talked about closing a deal, the “wedding.” She said, “The financial end of the deal is like a bridal dowry. A planner knows how to handle all that. The legal documents required to close are really nothing more than a prenuptial agreement and you can buy those online for $39.98 from the Legal Beagle website. Selecting the right venue and caterer for the closing is important. Bendovus weddings, uh, closings must have enough Moosepeace Beer to float a supertanker.”
A widespread industry reaction to the announcement was “Why didn’t we think of that?” However, praise was not unanimous. Mr. Rollover N. Dye, a senior partner in the Dewey, Cheatham & Howe law firm, said, “This is outrageous. It is setting a dangerous precedent and will have far-reaching effects, especially on my year-end bonus.” Getting in the last word, Mr. Choir said, “Tough shit, Shylock.”