Distilling at its Finest

CALGARY, Alberta – Over the past few years 2P News has proudly sponsored, reported on and participated in several food and drink competitions designed to enrich and inebriate the good citizens of Calgary and surrounding Alberta.  We’ve done beer and now it’s time to do the hard stuff.  Co-founders Dr. Darcy Flowman and Mr. Antoine McGuilicuddy announced today that on February 30, 2022 the First Annual Drunken Brawl Spirits Competition will be held in the lobby of the Beau Tower in downtown Calgary.  Prizes will be awarded in several categories with ribbons made by Dr. Flowman’s children and their kindergarten classmates.  The staff of 2P News will serve as judges and relish the prospect of a weekend getting hammered on free booze.  We have already secured commitments from a number of companies to participate in the event.

Electric Eel Distilling will debut its Creature from the Black Lagoon Rum that has been in development for several years.  It promises to literally scare the crap out of almost everyone.

Holy Spirit Distilling will present its entire line-up of products ranging from Heavenly Host Rye Whiskey to Eternal Damnation Vodka.  Owner Fr. Plimpton Sneed expects divine intervention to guarantee a win in all categories.

Little Lulu Liqueurs promises to enter its Tubby’s Taste of Licorice and Iggy’s Lye Soap Cordial if they can find an insurance company stupid enough to issue them a liability policy.

Not Your Father’s Booze will debut its line of flavored vodkas, which means they’re not really vodka anymore, just flavoring and alcohol.  A new focus is as an accompaniment for mealtimes.  For breakfast you can have avocado toast flavor, at lunch cheeseburger flavor and for supper liver and onions flavor.

True Believer was founded by a group of survivalists who foresee a future with no commercial source of alcohol and decided to set up their own distillery, hidden somewhere in Alberta’s Caribou Mountains or maybe in Jethro’s backyard.  It might have a chance in the moonshine category.

Temple of the Moon Gin

Waterpocket Distilling of Salt Lake City, Utah will enter its double-gold medal winning gin, Temple of the Moon.  It may be considered a shoo-in to win its category because the owners are relatives of mine and I’m the Chief Judge.  [This is real – Ed.]



Individuals may also participate, so fire up those backyard stills.  Our own Andy Killinger has promised to enter his Liquid Taser Moonshine Whiskey that he makes out of macerated corn, eviscerated corn, granulated corn, corn on the cob and corn pone.  He claims that it is 240 proof despite the fact that 200 proof is pure ethyl alcohol and can’t go any higher.

You will need to buy a ticket to get it.  However, if you wait until later in the afternoon everybody will be so drunk that you can just waltz in and help yourself.

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Sir William Shortspeare
Sir William Shortspeare, hereditary lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, has over fifty years’ experience at being a devout prig. Staying one step ahead of the nancy boys at Clovenhoof College, he graduated with a degree in Nothing Special. Thus eminently qualified, he joined British Petroleum and was immediately posted to Houston. After enduring one summer of Texas heat, he spent the remainder of his career demanding a transfer. Now retired, he casts a jaundiced eye on the world from Southern California and reports his findings to 2P News.


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