Struggling service company plans biggest Stampede party ever

CALGARY, Alberta – Toke Logging Services was marginally in the black in 2012, and year-to-date 2013 is not looking any better. In fact, things are looking considerably worse as the medium-sized service company’s finances have been reported in red ink.

During the 2012 Stampede, Toke Logging setup a small 10′ by10′ Stampede kiosk in the parking lot of its downtown office building, where they served up a whopping 117 pancakes and 212.5 sausages throughout the entire 10-day western event. But this year, things are going to be quite different, according to Toke’s President and CEO, Rom Profitsdown.

Well, we figured we’d go big in 2013, or go home, which in our case could mean folding the company. So our Chief Marketing Officer, Stephany Pheelbush, has recommended planning the largest party in the Stampede’s 101-year storied past. We expect this party to cost upwards of $75M, but we figure it will generate twice that in new business. So I fully support Miss Pheelbush’s proposal.

Sources close to Toke Logging have indicated that the service company plans to book all of the +15 walkways throughout the entire Stampede, and every surface parking lot in the entire downtown core. With all of these venues booked, they figure it is impossible for passersby to not see their promotional material.

With Mr. Profitsdown being related to Mayor Nenshi (through marriage), he was able to have the entire +15 temporarily zoned as a pub, so that it can be licensed to serve alcohol. Toke Logging plans to setup self-serve drinking stations every 10 meters along the +15 and live bands* playing country music every 50 meters. (*According to recent reports provided by the less fortunate, but musically talented individuals in the core, Toke has hired buskers to play the live music, rather than established bands – this in an effort to  save money.)

We all gonna rock this biatch through the whole ‘Rodeo-show-doe’ man, and y’all gonna get a good feel for Toke and our brand couture baby! – An intoxicated Mr. Profitsdown at a local promotional speech

Setup has begun already, and the theme is a little racier than the typical Stampede fare, with booths handing out short shorts and lingerie styled tank tops to many of the professional women (and men) walking around pre-Stampede. Toke has allegedly also petitioned the courts to relax harassment laws through the duration of the Stampede in an effort to get back to the roots of what Rodeo and Oil and Gas are all about, money and sex.

 

If we can get these laws relaxed for a week, it will allow women to enjoy Stampede like they used to without fear of persecution while dressing up in their bubbly goody outfits, and not be ashamed to flaunt their assets to their bosses.  It is time for these girls to rock their assets like they want to without fearing for their jobs or their reputations!!! – Miss Pheelbush to local media at press a conference

Local beer brewers Nishainu and Reckless Brewery’s have been contracted to provide the 65,000 pints of beer required to put on the event, and local moonshiners have agreed to run a steady supply of shine and homemade gin for the harder drinkers downtown.

Controversial as it is, if nothing else, the moonshine may also help some engineers and petrophysicists gain clarity on what is really important in this industry and what are just make-work-technical projects.

Toke is advising that people eat a hearty breakfast before joining their festivities, and are warning retail stores to close in most of the +15 connected shopping centered for the week to avoid anyone puking or urinating in their stores.  A warning has also been issued to downtown residents to avoid geologists at all costs, or be ready to face the ensuing lecture about the rock properties of each building and why the architect chose the wrong damn fascia stones.